Sunday, May 20, 2007
Isn’t it so damn ironic how when given the choice you can’t decide which the better of both choices is. But when having one option taken away, you start feeling so resentful about what you’re stuck with. Was it wrong right from the start? I really wonder at times. Maybe it was. Maybe I should not have at all. Or maybe, it's just me.
I worked hard for things then, but the element of fun was a large part that existed. Half the time in class, we were laughing our asses off, making a fool out of ourselves, playing with our phones, taking photos, asking stupid questions, passing food around, running out of class for toilet breaks. But things are so different here. Of course I can’t compare secondary school life to school life here. Nothing can ever replace the way things functioned in secondary school. There’s just this thing inside of me making me feel the extra need to work hard for everything I’m doing, so that I get that perfect score, that I hate. And it somehow seems like I’m in a way expected to attain such results as well. So what if I do? It feels so meaningless. What would all these even represent at the end? What’s with doing well and not even enjoying the process? I know JC’s really stressful, but I’d really rather the Singapore system. At least back in Singapore, everyone went through the same things. Everyone panicked together when exams were coming. Everyone studied together and stayed up through the night together. Everyone was helping the other. Everyone screwed up together and laughed about it. Doing well was something to rejoice about, especially when your friends did too. Then again, I can’t really say much cause that was what I experienced in secondary school and JC’s probably pretty different. The thing is you don’t really have a chance to screw up here. And it’s kinda individualistic that it sucks pretty badly. Seriously, the joy you derive from doing well here lasts for 2 mins. Cause after that mere two minutes, you’ll come to a realization that everything’s so meaningless.
I pretty much hate the way I feel like I’m working so much too or rather, I hate the way I am. I hate the way I function. I don’t even feel like myself. No, this is so not me. I hate feeling so damn freaking up tight about work. I hate the stress of having to get an A in every test I sit for. I haven’t felt like myself in quite a while. I’ve not gone crazy in a long while. I’ve not done things that I used to do for so long and it’s not a good feeling at all. I love the fun I had even while being serious about work. I wish I could just be like how I used too. Why do I react so differently to all these as compared to the others? Why is it so tough to just be like how I was in Singapore? Gah, I guess it’s just me feeling so shityzxzxxxzx about this system.
Sigh, I think I need more activities! Like a sport CCA or something. Something that gives me satisfaction after completing it. Something that I can commit to. But sigh, they don't have it here like they do in secondary school.
Why oh why.
(ahh, i'm so glad bel's coming over soon)
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it's all about me ;
deal with it